#choice

As I stare at the blank page before me, I begin to think about some deeper truths. I’ve been looking more and more these days at personal narratives – my own and those around me. So often these are stories or narratives of difficult life experiences. Of course, we all know and experience struggle, just with different specifics. From a spiritual perspective these are our lessons, our life lessons, and we are all learning. I like to think of life’s curriculum as our specialty, similar to a doctor being a surgeon or an anesthesiologist. We have areas of learning like relationships, money, or figuring out our life purpose. Ah, those pesky little details. But here we are, face to face with our lives on the daily, doing our best, and trying to figure out how to navigate the difficult lessons when life starts ‘lifing.’ And we all know it does. That’s life’s purpose, to give us ample opportunity to look at ourselves, our narratives, and should we choose, to decide if and then how to proceed.

So often in my own life I’ve railed against reality, the what-is-ness of it all. I have a feeling you know what I’m talking about. I think most of us do this to varying degrees. Denial is a powerful aphrodisiac. But waking from this dream, usually caused by some life event that brings us to our knees, can be shocking. Your father has a heart attack. You receive a cancer diagnosis. You lose your job. It’s a long list we all know intimately.

I don’t mean to create an entirely dark picture of our lives, but sometimes our perception does that to us. We’re usually our own worst enemy based on how we look at things. My own approach to challenges in the past was often a put your head down and carry on through it all. Tough it out, and hope for the best. I didn’t quite see or realize there were other options available.

In Don Miguel Ruiz Jr.’s book, “The Mastery Of Self: A Toltec Guide To Personal Freedom,” he’s the son of “The Four Agreements” Ruiz Sr., Don talks about looking at our personal narratives which he actually calls a “dream state” we inhabit, and the way to self-mastery is through understanding that this dream of our lives is pre-programmed by our parents and the culture we grow up in. It reminds me of one of my favorite movies “The Matrix,” where the main character Neo must choose between the red or blue pill. The blue pill will put him back to sleep for the rest of his life, while the red pill will wake him up to what is truly happening in his world. Choose red and you choose a conscious existence. Choose blue and you sleepwalk through your life. Don Jr. puts forward the idea that once we recognize we’re operating in a dream, we can then begin to examine and work with ourselves to create and have a different experience of our lives. For me, it speaks to the power of our recognizing and then re-writing the personal narrative of our lives.

Our narratives are our internal operating system. The question becomes does my system need updating? I’ll give you a clue to the answer – it’s a resounding yes. We all need to keep updating our narrative. Trying out new ways of living, being in relationship, modifying our approach to work. There are so many examples of how we can make different choices that refresh our experience of life. And I know this might sound exhausting, impossible, or even scary for some, but I assure you, you can do it. And when you do, you’ll begin to take back your own life. Not the one programmed into you, but your authentic expression underneath all the learned behaviors. And I don’t mean for you to think this is just a mechanical thing like putting new windshield wipers on your car to see better when driving in a rainstorm. It’s more nuanced than that.

Look, for example, at that relationship challenge with your parent, spouse, child, or co-worker, you know the one that’s been plaguing you for years, begging you for a new approach, please. Here’s where the opportunity to update your script or edit your narrative lives. We’ve all been trapped in various behavioral patterns throughout our lives, and when the pain gets bad enough, for many of us it needs to be loud, we search for ways to feel better, which is ultimately a good thing. Some people can turn to alcohol, sex, or shopping to name a few of the ways we numb ourselves. But there’s a deeper cut available to us should we want to pivot on the healthier side. This is when we acknowledge what is and begin our journey back to unconditional loving through forgiveness, acceptance, and letting go of expectations, allowing people and situations to simply be what they are.

When you get pissed off at someone else, you can choose to recognize they’re also living out their programming. Doing so usually makes us more compassionate and less judgmental. We can then take our triggers less personally [see “The Four Agreements” Agreement Number Two: Don’t Take Anything Personally.] And like Mel Robbins says, “Let Them.” What’s really great about doing this is that it not only connects us to our compassion for others, it also puts us in the space of being able to feel that same compassion for ourselves which can be incredibly healing. You might think you’re doing it for someone else, but really, it’s for you. Throw in some forgiveness, negative narrative dynamite, and poof you’re feeling lighter, less burdened, and seeing your life and the world with a new, brighter perspective. Life is still ‘lifing,’ but your reaction to it is different, and actually working in your favor. And this is no small thing my friends. Once you get the awareness that you can make a different choice, go for grace over struggle, life starts feeling a hell of a lot better.

It’s an experimental process for sure. Don’t take my word for it. You’ve got to experience it firsthand. Changing our narrative, our programming, and our reactions requires a willingness to change. And it is absolutely a process, not a magic pill. How do you want to live your life? How do you want to experience your day to day existence? Please know you have way more dominion over creating your authentic narrative and life than you know. You really, truly do. Find an accountability partner. Tell a trusted friend what you’re up to. Join a recovery group. Hire a coach or a therapist. Any of these work, because at the end of the day, we do life better in loving and reflective partnership. Find the one or one’s that work for you and step in. You’ll end up not only improving your own life, but the lives of those you’re in partnership with, as well as those around you. Lightness, peace, and joy are contagious, and you deserve all that and more.

With faith and love,
Barry